1. I am more like my dad then my mom, in physical appearance, gifts and talents, and personality.
2. My mom grew up without a strong parent presence. In a time when it was very uncommon she was raised by her grand parents more than her mother.
3. Mom's family was somewhat well off and well regarded. Consequently, there was a lot of pressure to achieve.
4. I doubt that mom felt much warmth from her "parental" relationships.
5. My mother probably imposed high standards on my father every day.
6. I wonder if the temper I saw in Dad was him getting fed up with being criticized all the time. After I left the home, I wonder if they thrashed this out--maybe Dad gave a version of what I gave him to her--back off bub with all the critical words, because I saw a lot less of Dad's temper after 1982.
7. Since shit slides down hill, and Dad could not always give mom crap back and his own self esteem had to have taken a beating, Dad extended his performance anxiety and desire to be perfect to me, causing him to love conditionally, be endlessly critical, and probably decide in the end that I was and am a failure.
8. It's really hard to put a finger on the particular kind of dysfunctional family I lived in. It almost seems as if I was dropped in the worse possible scenario for my "make up." I'm still trying to figure this out.
9. Sometimes, I just feel it's me that is defective. Still. Even though I am valued by God and all that. At 50 (almost), I don't feel like I've done much, or found my place in the world. Still a square peg trying to fit in round holes, just like in school and every place else. It's hard sometimes to keep up hope.
10. Well, that was depressing...