Monday, October 17, 2011

We Bring The Sacrifice of Praise

This old praise song came to me while we were discussing the old testament sacrificial system. We no longer bring sacrifices of goats or cattle or doves. We just need to bring the sacrifice of our praise.

The song came back to me in bits--I hmm'ed and sang my way to remembering the whole thing in time--correctly even!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What To Do

Last week I got in a bit of a shout out with two Thursday evening buds. They were pressing me about jobs and that fed into the worthless/defective/fearful-of-rejection thing and I reacted with cursing anger. I felt a bit attacked and given that "oh just get over yourself" stuff that is more irritating than anything else. I should have just smiled, said "thanks." and gone on my way. No I felt attacked and so I responded that way. I talked it out with S. and felt a little better. I also did some small action steps this week that helped too.
Now while both P and C were definitely engaged in somewhat codependent fixing behavior, I was wrong in responding with so much anger. Do I need to make amends by apologizing or do they need to realize that they were trying to control and fix? I don't think I can try to do them both at the same time because it takes away from the sincerity of the apology to offer a criticism of their behavior. Yet it would be good for them to know that while their hearts were in the right place, their techniques left something to be desired.
I was all set to apologize tonight in writing but I forgot to follow through. So I figured I'd do it tonight in person. Well C. wasn't there and my first thought was that it was on account of our conversation and I felt responsible for that. And as soon as P. was near me to talk she started asking me what action I took and something else which sounded like more fixing--I ignored it. And I was like, is my saying sorry for reacting to fixing the most useful thing to do? So I held my tongue with the apology.
As I say, a problem.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Turn Around

The latest from Matt Maher

Serious breakdown last week--so weird while I am working on trying to find God's will for my life. Tempest is moving and her paid part time staff position is open. I don't really have enough computer for it, but I think I will write up a resume and give it a shot. it is more administrative then ministerial, but you just never know.