Thursday, October 13, 2011

What To Do

Last week I got in a bit of a shout out with two Thursday evening buds. They were pressing me about jobs and that fed into the worthless/defective/fearful-of-rejection thing and I reacted with cursing anger. I felt a bit attacked and given that "oh just get over yourself" stuff that is more irritating than anything else. I should have just smiled, said "thanks." and gone on my way. No I felt attacked and so I responded that way. I talked it out with S. and felt a little better. I also did some small action steps this week that helped too.
Now while both P and C were definitely engaged in somewhat codependent fixing behavior, I was wrong in responding with so much anger. Do I need to make amends by apologizing or do they need to realize that they were trying to control and fix? I don't think I can try to do them both at the same time because it takes away from the sincerity of the apology to offer a criticism of their behavior. Yet it would be good for them to know that while their hearts were in the right place, their techniques left something to be desired.
I was all set to apologize tonight in writing but I forgot to follow through. So I figured I'd do it tonight in person. Well C. wasn't there and my first thought was that it was on account of our conversation and I felt responsible for that. And as soon as P. was near me to talk she started asking me what action I took and something else which sounded like more fixing--I ignored it. And I was like, is my saying sorry for reacting to fixing the most useful thing to do? So I held my tongue with the apology.
As I say, a problem.

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